Boy child

I leave to work.  I see you playing next door. I call out to you to say goodbye. You say bye and I turn away , for time waits for none, and , well, there is so much to be done. But then I hear you calling me hurriedly. I stop and turn back, nothing can be more important than you. I anticipate you to show me some funny new trick, or some brave new trick. Instead you are running towards me. You climb over the wall, and jump into my arms. And as all your friends are watching, you hug me, and gracefully accept that peck on your cheek that you came to receive.And you make me realize, at 6 years old, how you are still my little boy child!

I realize how nothing could ever be more important than this. That no matter how much you grow up, you will still be my child!

Story so far..

Koushik’s birthday was a dramatic one. I wondered before I got myself admitted to the hospital if I would cry this time, when they showed me my baby. I cried for joy when sanju was born. I had become a mother and the joy was overwhelming. The surgeons asked me if I felt any pain, I didn’t reply , and my gyneac, a lady, understood and said “she must be emotional”.

This time when I saw koushik for the first I cried too, only they werent tears of happiness. The first time, I laid my eyes on Koushik, he was in an incubator and it pained my heart to see him that way. Nothing scary though, he didn’t breathe as soon as he was born and they had to resuscitate him, and he was in NICU till his breathing steadied down. But it was the toughest day of my life. I cried and cried, for the fact that my baby was not near me. The image of him in that incubator, searching vainly, for nursing, pained me so much. He was on drips, and they allowed me to feed him, only after they were sure his breathing steadied, and then after 12 hours in NICU, my little miracle was handed to me. It took a while for me for to forget that sadness. But all is well that ends well. Hes fine now and that’s all that matters. Thanks to God and to the doctors. It’s not a big deal, the doctors say, but for me it was. Phew!

And I have been making progress as mom of two. My sis gave me this advice, she said, after two kids, one cannot hope to spend exclusive time with each kid. And that sort of eased me. Well, it’s not all rosy yet. Some days, I feel like a failure as a mom, like when Koushik’s weight gain wasn’t as much as I expected it to be, and the same day Sanjay comes home with 1/25 on maths, and I feel I have failed both of them. And then there are days like today , when Koushik’s infection seems to have gotten better, and sanju studies a wee bit more and watches a wee bit less TV. I take it one day at a time.

The current pressing concern is extension of maternity leave. I believe in exclusive brest feeding for the first 6 months, so I am wondering what to do. But taking everything one day at a time. Hoping for the best.

Mommy twice over

I delivered a baby boy on august 3. I have been super busy since then, dealing with all kinds of emotions. I think I had some sort of post partum depression.. I cried when I came home from hospital with Sanjay and I felt a little depressed this time too. May be it was the fact that Sanjay was not with me for one month. I am staying at my mom's place, and Sanjay stayed back with my Mother in law. But all is well now. I have been busy learning to be a mom to two kids , and doing justice to it. I have been getting on mode to get back to work(getting my hands on things other than baby things that is...), though I plan to stay home till baby is 5 months old. I got a new laptop, and net connection at my mom's place, where I will be staying till baby Koushik is six months old. :)

Koushik's birth story would warrant a post by itself and I would do it once I find some time. hopefully I will be more regular here.

hope everyone is doing well. :)

 

Writing

He has been at it for a while, writing. Each symbol is called something and it must be written a certain way, letters between four lines and numbers between blocks. It's not all that hard, he can pick it up almost immediately, instantaneously, the moment it has been demonstrated to him. Yet something about this whole exercise seemed so laborious to him. Like these letters and numbers were caged in those lines and boxes.

And then his mother offers him the "rough  note" to practice a little more, to get the letters a little bit more right.

His face suddenly brightens, "Amma!", he says, "Can I scribble in this?"

Inquisitive!

There is so much one can learn from children. Everyday Sanjay asks me at least one question, the answer to which I do not know. It is eye-opening, literally to see the world through a child’s eye. Fills me with wonder. And also makes me wonder, when did I stop questioning and start accepting?

Day before yesterday , Sanjay asked me – Why do dogs have tails? Apart from wagging I couldn’t think of any other purpose. So I told him that I will find out more and tell him. Apparently dogs use their tails as a rudder while swimming. I found at least ten other uses for the tail.

Yesterday, he asked me – Why is fire hot? My first reaction was to see if he had hurt himself. Thankfully no. He had just kept his hand in the vicinity of fire to feel the heat.  Of course, I told him without admonishing him, to not get too close to fire. I didn’t know the answer and was just googling it.Did you know - "Fire is the result of a chemical reaction (oxidation) which releases energy stored in chemical bonds. This released energy is the "heat" you feel."

I had never questioned why fire is hot. I just accepted it. I will go home and explain to Sanju. It is beautiful to learn from a child. As they say, the child is indeed the father of man.

A proposal for Sanjay

Today, Sanjay received his first proposal. Yes you read that right!

Sanjay is good friends with the little girl next door. This girl, M,  is a year younger than Sanjay but she is real smart. Everyday they spend time playing and if their mothers are busy, they stand (she in her balcony and he in the stairs facing her house) and talk.

Today was yet another day. M had just woken up and stands at the balcony. Sanjay has had his bath and breakfast and I am chasing him to get him to wear his uniform. M shouts out to Sanjay.

“Sanjay”, she says.

“I Love you Sanjay!”

I think I am hallucinating, but everyone around me, including M’s mother is shocked. So yes, the words were spoken by the 3 year old girl to the 4 year old boy. And this was the first ever proposal received by Sanjay.

On motherhood on tough days

I am not technically a mommy blogger, but I am still a mommy. I sit here trying to get some work done at office, and still grappling with the image of my child crying. Why can’t I replace that image with that of his smiling face? Even when I saw him smiling with my own two eyes? Sigh!! I am actually emotionally exhausted, and like all women, I just need to talk I guess.

So today was one of those days, when Sanjay doesn’t want to go to school. And my inner battle begins. Do I just let him stay at home? Do I send him to school?

Only today, the drama unfolded before the school gates. He kept a sad face. But yet he was sweet enough to share with another school boy from Pre KG, his chocolate and sweet enough to ask that boy if he needs water.

A mother knows her child better than anyone else, may be till he grows up old enough to find a soul mate. I saw Sanjay’s face was so unhappy. I went close to him and whispered into his ears,”You don’t want to go to school?” And then he started crying, like he had been holding back his tears all along. Like me.

And then he puked. And then he insisted on not changing into his spare clothes. And then he walked right into school. Man, that was tough! I was so torn, should I have just brought him out? Will this encourage him to cry and avoid school?

And then it was hell for me till I went back to school to pick him up. I was angry with the whole world- One angry young woman on rampage on her bike. Add to that traffic and I was getting late to pick him up. Yes, for this one week and a few days last week, I am dropping him to school, and coming to work and going back to pick him and drop him home and come back to work, and I do manage to get some work done here.

So I walk into school, all anxious and he stands inside his class smiling like an angel and the teacher says nice things about him and even the ayah-ammas say nice things about him, how he is a nice child and very polite and all that.

A word about the ayah-ammas, they do the cleaning in the nursery section and help children with going to bathroom. Life is tough for them. I was chatting up with them today. One lady was telling me ,how being an ayah in nursery section is very difficult. That after all the cleaning, in case children make a mess in the classroom, they don’t even feel like eating. I feel sad for them. But after that she added,” but we think that service to these small children is like service to God”. Thank you Ayah-amma for taking care and helping children like Sanjay.

Being a parent has made me realize how much my mom would have gone through, being a working mother herself. I have a new found respect for her, from the moment when I became a mother, and there she was, taking care of me and my child.

Motherhood is still a wonderful journey, because, after each teeny-weeny trial, you stand there, wondering, how did you become capable of loving another human-being like this…

Thoughts

So there’s been lots of thoughts brewing in my head and as always, there’s work and the next important thing to be done.. I wrote this a long time back, and it is as relevant as it was that day…

Random thoughts all get into this post. So well, you are warned!

1. Each day I drop Sanju to school. Some days are smooth, but some days are “I don’t want to go to school ” days. But we are managing along. And after I drop him, I wait outside the school gate, till it is closed. Yes I am one of those paranoid parents, who worries if the kid will run out of school unseen, and something might happen to him. Yes, always better safe than sorry. And while waiting so, I see lots of wonderful scenes. I see children coming really late, and the gate is about to close, and they are all rushing. Yet, the child doesn’t forget to wave his parent good-bye. It is sad that eventually he will learn to rush with life and not bother about these little gestures, but till then, it is beautiful to watch. I see children, small themselves, holding the hands of their younger siblings and guiding them. I never know how the time passes between when I drop Sanju and when the gates close. There just is so much to observe.

2. Work wise, I could be doing better. The good things first, as I am the eternal optimist. I making lots more time to be around Sanju. But on the downside, the quality and the quantity of work that I do, is really low. I am having lots of time to do reading of the technical kind. I have completed the SCWCD book , reading a Struts book. I have this whole reading plan: next in line is a book on Spring and then Hibernate. There certainly is a gap in my knowledge and am reading so much more to bridge that gap.
Sometimes, I think back if I could have been better in the previous job, I had more work there, but the pay here is at par with my experience. My pay in the previous job was pathetic. So all I can do now is read up, so I am prepared to look for another job if things don’t improve in the long run. Sigh! Such is the life of an IT person, (I could have said slave, but that would be too much, considering that now, I get paid for doing precious little!!)

3. You know during terrible summer months in Chennai, back in childhood, when there was no A/C, I would open the refrigerator and take a good peep for five minutes. It would be such a refreshing change from the sultry summary days.
Some days, I revisit old cherished up memories, stored up in a special corner of my heart. I could be tired, sad, bored, whatever.. and I would open up my treasure chest of memories and retrieve that one special memory and live that span of time again, and end up feeling so refreshed, very much like taking a peep into the fridge, for some chill air!
One such memory is of coming back to Chennai from Woodbury, around a year back. September 2nd 2010, I was back in Chennai. In the week running up to my trip back home, I was so excited and couldn’t wait to get home and see kid and husband. This was just the one thought running through my head.
It didn’t hit me till I landed in Chennai, that I longed to be back home and this is where my home is. I still can’t forget the rush of excitement I felt, as the plane touched down, and in the run up to that, I soaked all the scenes of that familiar place from up above. We got out of the plane and into the airport; I didn’t realize that speaking to a random stranger in my mother tongue would be bliss. For three months prior to that, all I spoke was English. And then it sunk in to me, I am home, Finally!
I couldn’t wait to make a local call to my husband and hear his voice. I couldn’t wait to see him and rush into his arms, like they show in movies. But this is Chennai, mind you, we don’t do those things here, at least not in a public, and certainly, not in front of one’s father in law.
And then we drove home. I was away for just three months, and I have never lived anywhere other than Chennai, and I looked out to eagerly see the familiar roads. I reached home and was so excited about all the gifts that I had carefully picked for everyone, so , the first thing I did was to open the suitcase. And then I realized, shouldn’t I be holding my baby. He was sleeping in the bedroom.
I saw such difference in him, It was so obvious that he was taken good care of, not that I would ever doubt my MIL, but seeing is believing, isn’t it? He woke up and smiled such a brilliant smile on seeing me and asked me, where I had gone all these days.
I still think back to that day, and the feeling of love with my home, and smile every day, cherishing my life here!
Writing about it, I am floating back to those days. Hard to get myself back to present, back to writing a conclusion to my post.

Can’t believe a year has rushed by already…

On his third day to big school

I just have to share this..
Today Sanju did the sweetest thing ever..

Sanju started school on Monday and has been crying everyday.. and puking too..
Its traumatic every morning to get him ready and drop him in school..
So yesterday he cried yet again when his teacher plonked him in his class… and five minutes of continuous crying later, he puked right in front of my eyes…
I felt very bad and on the verge of tears myself..

My MIL and Iregretted putting him in school.
So yesterday evening, my MIL told Sanju that Amma(that is me) went to office crying because Sanjay cried.. and that he must not cry to go to school..

So today morning, the crying started yet again..
And I became heavy hearted.
Sanju is still crying.. and in between tears, he asks me.. “Amma, naan azhuthaa , nee azhuviyaa?” (If i cry, will you cry?)
And I say yes, and then again, he cries but tells me.. “Amma nee azhaathe Amma” (Mom, dont cry!)

It was so very sweet.. almost tore my heart…
Sigh!!

PS: No, as a rule I dont indulge in emotional blackmail
:)

To Sanjay, and to you....Yes you!

To Sanjay:
Today Baby, i saw you after such a long time... it has been two weeks almost.
i have your photos and i see it everyday and show it off.. you are a cutie arent you?

I dont have a web cam at my end, and i was happy. For when i saw you, i couldnt speak for a second, i was all teary eyed and jittery voiced. But i hate to cry in front of others. So i didnt and i began to chat with you and found that you are happy.. and my heart smiles...

I buy clothes for you here , Baby. I hug them, imagining you to be wearing them. I smell them searching for your cute baby smell. I see your smiling pictures and smile away..I miss you.. but mostly i am OK.. because i know you are ok. Be good.. mommy loves you so very much Sanju...

To my one faithful reader:
Today a friend of mine is in pain. he has been through a big loss and it pains my heart to even think of it. So please pray to your God, whichever God.. that my friend and his family gets the strength to pass through this tough phase. Thank you!

On faith, pain and all that..

I am in a nice mood today. Which explains why I am blogging, as opposed to 4 years back, when I blogged when I was sad and couldn’t talk about it to anyone.

Life has changed so much and me..you see these days, I am not shy of my problems, whatever they are, currently not much, Thank you.. And so since am not shy of my problems, I am able to talk about them and I don’t need to hide my problems and worse still hide my pains.

The worst part of not sharing my problems or at least not being open about them was pretending everything was alright, when actually I was at my lowest. I know at least one of you must be reading this, and if not..this is for myself, if I ever return to my “hide your problems” phase..i tell you, totally not worth it.

Those days, I would cry everyday. My eye lids would be swollen. And I would apply thick eye liner so that it doesn’t show, the swollen eyelids that is…how much more easier, If I had just been open that I am upset about something.

So that was long back and thankfully, I have come a long way from that… I have married the person of my choice, in case you were wondering what I was crying about.

The last time I was upset was when my nephew fell ill and that was a good two years back. And I dealt with it positively, by writing “Sri Rama Jayam”, keeping my hope and total faith on God.

I am so glad I am finally back to my optimistic ways. It rained yesterday and the hubby and me were getting drenched and were on way to work. I had smartly chosen a dark color salwar kameez. And did I crib that I was getting all drenched? I began to enjoy getting driven around in the rain.

Yesterday while on way back home, I saw this baby boy, around my son’s age, crying in the railway station. He didn’t have a piece of clothing and was sitting near his sibling and crying. There were two idlies before them. So at least he wont go hungry, but it pained my heart. You see I have a baby just like him at home. And even for a split second, I couldn’t imagine my child in that position…it would tear my heart to conjure up that image….i did what I usually do, I prayed to God. I am no activist… mostly I say a prayer and walk away..

So whats in a prayer you ask? Well, it’s a question of faith. And no I am not deeply religious..i identify all the festivals in my religion by the dish that gets made for it..so that’s me.

But I do believe in God of some sort. Who will listen to my prayer and answer it. So my friend at office was upset about her friend who had met a big accident and a possibility that she may not walk again..fractures in leg and all. And she was upset about it..and I told her what I had mentioned here…I deal with that pain by applying a bit of hope. I keep immense faith in God and plead to my God that my prayers be answered..and guess what I have immense faith that It will be answered. So I told her, have faith and write Sri Rama Jayam..108 times everyday till she is alright and she will be alright.

Guess what, the girl is alright and will hopefully walk in another 2 months. Is this the power of Sri Rama Jayam? Am I asking you to convert to hindusim and write Sri Rama Jayam? Far from that….you see it is the power of faith..faith on anything..faith is “the” most powerful thing in the world… Like Paulo Coelho wisely said much before me…

When you want something badly enough, the universe conspires to get you that…

So faith in anything you do, faith that it will make a difference, and doing something..really works..

So all random topics covered, how can I leave out my adorable son? He is one little cutie..my fears of him not having teeth at all have been laid to rest, he has 8 of them now at 18 months… and more are on the way. He speaks two words together, like say “Phone Thaa”, “Tea tha”, yes my son drinks tea…I am working hard to get him to speak English..i say water and my MIL says “theertham” so he can stay tuned to our customs….Little guy is picking up bits of everything.

Sriram is just the little devil, he always was…lovable little devil at that. As always cuddling upto me, his chithi..

Things are good…how can I forget this?? My husband has completed his part time MBA and had come first..i will be going for the convocation with the entire family… am so looking forward to that…

So all you people, Take care….

Baby, job, lay off and some such

There are a few updates regarding kutti Sanjay. Well, he is almost seven months old and has learnt a few new tricks. He is trying to crawl. And he is saying “mmmmmmmaaa” , almost “Amma” and this is music to my ears and the icing on the cake, he is trying to sit. I feel so proud looking at my son, I scream with joy and pride as he displays every new skill. It is beautiful to watch a child begin to do new things..but now that I am working, I don’t get to see things the first time he does them….i miss that..but at least he is gracious enough to show me a new trick or two once I am back from office.

Talking about Office, things are not looking all that good. There was a lay-off in my company, some say 60-70 people and some say 120 people. People were suddenly called for a meeting and informed that they were being fired, or being let go , like they say in politically correct circles and they were asked to leave immediately. How miserable would that be? One day you are at work and the next day, you don’t know where the next salary is going to come from. I feel sad for them.

What would I do if that happened to me? I would take a break till the kid is a year old and then search a new job, but the very thought is scary. Tough times. I pray to God to give everyone the strength to carry on and find better options and carry on.

Not totally unrelated to the above, I sometimes wonder if I have a career choice other than the one I am currently in. I love writing. I used to write stories when I was in school. Pity I stopped doing and moved to random four lines that I call poetry. Doing something creative gives me a high. Creating stories is one such.

What would I love to write? I would love to write pleasant romances, not the ones where the guy is rich and handsome and the girl is pretty and all such clichés. But like “Jab we met”. That’s one movie I totally fell in love with. The characters were so real. The situations real too. Its not all sweet for the heroine alone, she gets chased by wrong characters, she gets advised by the station master and she retorts.But whats most interesting about the story is the contrast between the two characters, how vivacious she is, how optimistic she is, how much she enjoys the little joys in life and how he is so silent and serious and how they both change completely after time, how they have influenced each other. How She helps him in the beginning and later he helps her ….mand, that’s one movie I would watch a thousand times. I want to able to write a story like that..seriously.

My friend says,I should write my own love story. It is not cutesy like “Jab we met”, though it does have its cute moments. But as time goes by, I am forgetting all the nitty-gritties and the little nothings of my obscure love story. But If I do write I would put in all the clichés and make myself the pretty damsel in distress and my husband , the knight in shining armour. Who wants to be odd man out???

Hah!! I could write a love story inspired by my own and use a pseudonym!!!

But if my writing is going to be as obscure as I have just written , the chances of me making a career out of it is very slim. But who doesn’t dream impossible dreams??

Random Updates

I have a big weakness or Is it a gift?? I talk dime a dozen. I listen too…but I talk more, you get the picture. I worry if I am boring. Do any of you worry that way?
It’s just fine between me and the husband because he doesn’t talk much and I talk a lot, so there is a balance. And he loves me, so he wouldn’t find most of what I say boring and I listen a little longer when it is him talking. But not all are like that no?

I just realized that music makes me happy. I never thought I was a music person. But music does make me happy. I love the sound you know. Silence can be sometimes so uncomfortable. I like silence too , when I am too happy to want external influences or with someone very special say my husband, my child, Sriram….i love the bonding that silence can bring then…but when I am not in that much of a high spirit, music please anytime,……

Talking about Sriram, I love the little guy to bits and love the way he adores me. Even my own son doesn’t adore me that way. Kutti Sriram will look at me and say “vidya chthi kannu azhagaa irukku”.I would hold his hands and walk with him and he would lean and kiss my hands, suddenly and say “Vithya Chithi rumba pidikkum” . I love the expressiveness. We all exhibit our affection to kids… why cant we continue demonstrating our affection.
Sriram has started playschool BTW.

My own kutti Sanjay it well past the 6 months mark. Time flies by …. Sometimes when I think back I get tears of joy. When I look at little baby like Sanju, I wonder how innocent they are and think how there couldn’t be a better representation of God other than Children. As far as Sanju is concerned, He is moving around on the floor and tries to grab everything and put it in his mouth.

I now go to work in my bike. Yes my own bike, bought with my own hard earned money. I am yet to get that used to driving in traffic but it is ok…
SO there you go…updates from me.

Milestones,birth story and all..

I have been real busy. Its hard to find time to blog at all. I have to squeeze the little time. No i am not super busy but lazy. My life moves around in slow motion, so i am left with little time. The little did catch the dreaded cold and ended up gaining no weight the whole of last month. And now, i have mild cold and my little fellow has contracted it from me andis coughing.
:(

There is so much to say but so little time basically because blogs are blocked in office...hope everyone gets it..the only place where i am free is office.

MY little fellow is six months old and is moving around on the floor. Time flies by. And Sriram has started play school already..

I wanted to put down the birth-of-my-son story here before i forget it, but it is a long story and i need some time for it. Lets just say it wasn't particularly pleasant. We tried all day for normal delivery but ended up with C-Section at 6:30 PM. I remember the moment i set my eyes on my child. Just after they pulled him out, the doctor removed my eye pad and showed me my son. I didnt try to see if it was a boy or girl..it just didnt matter to me. Even before they could show me the baby, i heard the baby's first cry. The emotions i felt at that time cant be put down in words...and then when they showed him to me..it didn bother me whether it was a he/she..it was letting that moment sink in, i saw him crying and saw the uncut umblical cord start at his belly button and go down to the table where i lay...and then i began to cry for joy ...i must cried a good 15 mins..no word can do that feeling justice...a baby was something i wanted all my life and here he was....

Time rushed away and here i am , mother to my little fellow at six months...it s been a journey of joy, tears,guilt, fear and an amalgam of emotions, but me and Sanju paapa are progressing along fine ...
:)

My Little Darling

This is my little fellow when he was 11 days old, on the day of his naming ceremony. Isn't he a real cutie?
thats me holding him...

It's a BOY!!!!!!!

i couldnt wait to get my hands on a comp and type this post..it was like waiting to tell your best friend your most happy news...

I delivered a baby boy on April 11th at 6:31 PM. it was a C-section and baby and me were fine. We named the boy Sanjay. He is almost 5 and half months old now and doing fine. I am worrying he might be catching cold, but that aside, he is good.

I took six months off and will be joining work on Oct 1st. Lots to say and lots to share. I am brimming with words but no time as i am at a browsing center and baby is sleeping at home. I am here to send a bit of an official document.
All you people, thnaks for your wishes and take care. I hope to voice all my thoughts here more often.
:)