Koushik’s birthday was a dramatic one. I wondered before I got myself admitted to the hospital if I would cry this time, when they showed me my baby. I cried for joy when sanju was born. I had become a mother and the joy was overwhelming. The surgeons asked me if I felt any pain, I didn’t reply , and my gyneac, a lady, understood and said “she must be emotional”.
This time when I saw koushik for the first I cried too, only they werent tears of happiness. The first time, I laid my eyes on Koushik, he was in an incubator and it pained my heart to see him that way. Nothing scary though, he didn’t breathe as soon as he was born and they had to resuscitate him, and he was in NICU till his breathing steadied down. But it was the toughest day of my life. I cried and cried, for the fact that my baby was not near me. The image of him in that incubator, searching vainly, for nursing, pained me so much. He was on drips, and they allowed me to feed him, only after they were sure his breathing steadied, and then after 12 hours in NICU, my little miracle was handed to me. It took a while for me for to forget that sadness. But all is well that ends well. Hes fine now and that’s all that matters. Thanks to God and to the doctors. It’s not a big deal, the doctors say, but for me it was. Phew!
And I have been making progress as mom of two. My sis gave me this advice, she said, after two kids, one cannot hope to spend exclusive time with each kid. And that sort of eased me. Well, it’s not all rosy yet. Some days, I feel like a failure as a mom, like when Koushik’s weight gain wasn’t as much as I expected it to be, and the same day Sanjay comes home with 1/25 on maths, and I feel I have failed both of them. And then there are days like today , when Koushik’s infection seems to have gotten better, and sanju studies a wee bit more and watches a wee bit less TV. I take it one day at a time.
The current pressing concern is extension of maternity leave. I believe in exclusive brest feeding for the first 6 months, so I am wondering what to do. But taking everything one day at a time. Hoping for the best.